


your sex is not on fire, it sent me to the ER

by madeliefie



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Humor, Larry Stylinson Is Real, Liam is Dr.Payne, Louis and Harry are so horny, M/M, Soz, harry gets hurt, implied bottom Louis, implied top Harry, niall is nurse Horan, physically he's not okay, shit at tagging, they're like teenagers, try to have sex in a tree
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-06
Updated: 2015-08-06
Packaged: 2018-04-13 08:15:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4514586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madeliefie/pseuds/madeliefie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>" So nice weather we're having." </p><p>Harry just groans. Maybe in pain or annoyance. Louis thinks it's the latter, though. </p><p>~ </p><p>Or; Louis meets Harry on a dating site and five days after meeting they want to have sex in a tree</p>
            </blockquote>





	your sex is not on fire, it sent me to the ER

**Author's Note:**

> Enjoy :) x  
> Really big thanks to  
> [Daph](https://mobile.twitter.com/taaeevee?lang=en) for motivating me to post it and talked me into it, love you babie
> 
> I hope you all enjoy

Louis feels awkward and uncomfortable. He has never liked hospitals. It feels like there are ants in his pants because he can't stop moving around in his chair next to Harry's bed. The curtain surrounding them makes him feel claustrophobic. A, still glaring, Harry ( It's been an hour, get over it. ) doesn't actually help him feel better. He clears his throat.

" So nice weather we're having. "

Harry just groans, maybe in pain or annoyance. Louis thinks it's the latter though.

" Not nice enough. " Harry mumbles, Louis supposes that it was intended to be heard. He'll admit, he does deserve the cold attitude he's receiving. He glances down to Harry's ribs, it's already starting to turn blue and the ( hopefully not too deep ) cut above his navel still a little wet with blood pouring out.

The blue curtain, that separated them from the rest of the emergency room, opens to reveal a brown eyed, puppy faced doctor with the blonde nurse that had helped clean Harry's cut. Louis sends a silent thank you to above, not wanting to bathe in the awkward anymore.

The Doctor looks over at Harry then to Louis and then at the blonde nurse next to him. He clears his throat.

" Good afternoon gentlemen. I'm Dr. Payne and this is nurse Horan. I'll be helping you today, but first you need to tell me what exactly happened so that I can determine wether it's serious," he glances at Harry before continuing, "Than it looks."

Louis takes back that prayer. Fuck. No.

No. This is not happening.

Harry's eyes go wide. Louis' pretty sure they're both thinking the same thing. This can't be happening.

Louis wants to crawl in a hole and die. He's pretty sure that he's going to have to explain this, seeing the state that Harry is in.

Dr. Payne and nurse Horan stare at him expectantly. He is sure that Satan himself planed this out. This is too embarrassing.

He clears his throat, " Well you see, it all started..."

~  
( 5 Days earlier )

Louis stares at the laptop screen in front of him. If he were to click enter, then he would be on one of the fastest dating sites in the UK. He glances down at the information he had put down of himself.

Name: Louis Tomlinson

Age: 23

Likes: Football, Music, Tea

Dislikes: Coffee

Interested In: Male

Lives In: London

Bio: Hi ??

Louis' not quite sure when he became this desperate. Maybe it's because of the fact that he hasn't had a dick up his arse in over 4 months. Whatever.

With shaky hands he clicks on the enter button and not before long he finds himself and the homeroom of the site. He goes to the ' search match ' and yet again clicks on it.

An hour later and all Louis has done is denied matches. Some of them were 50-year old men who just wanted a quick fuck and although does have a minor daddy kink, not even he would tap that.

With a sigh he clicks the button one last time, deciding that if he can't get at least one decent match then he's going to delete his account. The screen takes a bit long as it says ' searching ' and Louis is growing tired.

But then.

It shows a ' found match! ' and Louis quickly clicks on the other account.

Name: Harry Styles

Age: 21

Likes: Adventures.

Dislikes: None

Interested In: Male

Lives In: London

Bio: Hi, I'm Harry. I'm a people's person and I like adventures ( hiking, bungee jumping, etc. ) I hope we'll be great friends :)

Louis rolls his eyes. The kid sounds like a total twat. Who will willingly do something that is literally life threatening? And who actually does hiking for fun? Louis can barely play a footie match for half an hour without panting and sweating and this kid wants to do it for fun. No, thank you.

Being bored and desperate, Louis clicks on the profile picture of 'Harry' and immediately perks up. The kid is beyond gorgeous. The photo is black and white but that does nothing to hide his beauty. His hair is long and curly and lays on top of his shoulders looking luscious. His eyes are covered by a pair of sunglasses and his lips looks very, very kissable. Louis swoons a bit.

Being to distracted by Harry's photo, he hadn't realized that Harry requested a chat with him. He accepts ( very ) quickly. Before he can type anything, a message comes through.

Harry Styles: Hi!

Harry is way too happy and Louis loathes that, but he's gorgeous and Louis wants the d. He is a disgrace of a human being.

Louis Tomlinson: Hi, mate.

Harry Styles: Excuse me if I'm being too forward but you're quite gorgeous.

Louis blushes at that and thinks about the photo he has as his profile picture. It's just him looking up at a camera through his lashes but his eyes are abnormally blue and lashes too long and lips too pink. He's grateful for that photo.

Louis Tomlinson: Thank you! Not so bad yourself ;)

He's flirting with a gorgeous person and yes, he has won at life.

Harry Styles: Not as beautiful as you though ;) ;)

Oh fuck. They're acting like teenagers. Like desperate, horny teenagers.

Over the course of the next 2 hours, he learns a lot about Harry. Louis learns that Harry actually isn't a twat and that he's utterly lovely. They talk like they're long lost friends and flirt like they're lovers. Really, it's a match made in heaven. He learns that Harry is still in uni and that he doesn't live that far away from him. Louis' delighted, to say the least.

They have even exchanged numbers and decided to meet up at the Starbucks located the nearest to the both of them the next day. They say goodnight to each other with a lot of kissing emoji's that night.

Louis asleep with a smile on his face.

~  
Walking into Starbucks, he is a nervous mess. What if Harry is a catfish?He was stupid to think that this wouldn't happen. He should just turn around before it's too late.

But.

There, sat directly next to the window is even more gorgeous in real life ( is that even possible?) Harry, looking down at his phone. He hasn't looked up yet and Louis makes his way over to him and clears his throat.

Harry's greengreengreen eyes lock onto his and he is dead.

" Hi,Louis!" Harry says standing up and shit, his voice is deep and lovely and Louis wants to be dicked by Harry.

He's weak, human trash. Honestly.

Louis shyly looks over at Harry, " Hi."

A smirk finds his way onto the curly haired lad and Louis just. He wants to ask Harry what his parents paid to get their child that beautiful.

Harry's eyes look over him and yes, he's checking him out and Louis would faint if it weren't for the fact that he'd make a total fool of himself, so.

" You are even more lovely than on the phone," Harry says and yes, his eyes are not on Louis' face but instead on his ass.

They quickly make it pass the awkward greeting phase and soon they're laughing and telling each other stupid stories of themselves. Currently, Harry's telling him of one of his crazy hiking trips.

" So we thought we got lost!" He laughs, " Can you believe it?"

Yes, Louis can believe that Harry is extremely fit and he himself is a big lazy sack of potatoes.

So, Louis does what any human would do to impress their ( possible?) crush.

He lies.

" You know," he begins, " I hike."

Harry beams and looks like a kid on Christmas and Louis is an idiot.

" You do? That's great! Why didn't you tell me?"

He swallows a lump in his throat, " I didn't think it was very important."

" Of course it is!" Harry says then stops. He looks as if a lightbulb just went off in his head, " You and I should go on a hike! I'm free this weekend and I know this lovely location. It'll be really fun!"

Louis should say no. He should because he's lying and he knows nothing about hiking...but.

Harry looks hopeful and Louis can't say no.

" Yeah. It does."

And just like that, he has a hiking date with Harry within 3 days and Louis knows he is fucked.

Not in a good way, either.

~

24 hours turn into 48 which turns into 72 and just like that Louis finds himself in Harry's car to go hiking which he still doesn't know a thing about. Harry had texted him that he's bring his gear so that was something Louis didn't have to worry about. Hallelujah.

And Louis wants to feel bad about lying to Harry but seeing him in the driving seat, talking very excitedly about this trip, makes it worth the lie.

At least he hopes.

Louis realizes an hour later that he hates himself. He's panting ( mind you, the only panting he ever wants to do is when there's something in him and not because he's walking ) and his water bottle is empty and he hates himself.

They're walking between trees and there's sticks and rocks that hurts Louis' feet and Harry doesn't look as if anythings bothering him. He's a few steps ahead of Louis and whistling a song and it's.

It's unfair, is what it is.

Because while Louis looks like a wet dog, Harry looks like sex on legs and he's so, so lovely. Turning around every few minutes to check if Louis' okay. And it should be embarrassing but it's not. It's adorable as fuck and Louis wants Harry to dick him. So badly.

" Let's stop for a minute. " Harry says as he leans into the tallest tree Louis has ever seen and Louis has never been more grateful.

" Sure," He says it as if it's not a big deal, but honestly it's the bigger deal. He sits down at the trunk of the tree.

Harry still has his backpack on and then he takes it off and bends down to search for something in it and when it looks like he found what he was searching for he looks up with a devious smirk.

" You know what I've never done?" Is the question that comes.

" What?"

Harry's smirk grows wider, " I've never had sex during a hike."

Oh.

Ooh.

Louis is intrigued. Very, very intrigued. He looks Harry in the eyes and yes, it's happening.

" So...you want to have sex?"

" Yes."

Louis clears his throat, " Here? On the ground?"

Harry looks to him like he's deluded before shaking his head and laughing, " No."

Louis raises an eyebrow, " Then where?"

Harry grins and looks up at the tall, tall tree, " Oh, Louis. Why did you think I wanted to stop at this three all of a sudden?"

And Louis. Just. No. He can't have sex in a three. No. No.

But, it's Harry. Gorgeous, adventurous Harry. So.

" I mean...Yeah, okay." He finally says, " Do you have the stuff?"

Harry pulls out a small bottle of lube and a condom and yes it's really happening. Louis' going to have sex in a three.

So with that, Harry helps Louis onto his shoulders so Louis can climb onto the branch that's the second closets to the ground and also where they're going to do the deed, apparently.

" Just secure yourself while I'm gonna climb up okay? I don't want you to fall and hurt yourself. You know what position to get into, yeah?" Harry asks and no, Louis doesn't know because he can't hike for shit but it's already too late to say that so he simply nods.

Within the next 5 minutes, he has Harry between his legs who's kissing slowly down his jaw and Louis feels delighted. He feels like a slut.

" Harry, " He moans softly feeling Harry's knee between his tights and he thinks he might be hard. He tucks at Harry's shirt and okay, sex in a three doesn't sound too bad.

Harry's lips meets his and yes, it's every cliché known to man cone true. Fireworks, explosions, the lot. It's sweet and loving but it's filled with lust and Louis had never felt so turned.

But karma bites Louis in the ass as the next moments he lifts his leg up too high and it's just enough to catch Harry off guard as he tucks on Louis' lips.

He suddenly loses his balance and it all happens in an eye wink but Harry's knee slips of the branch and Louis' pretty sure he just heard bones break as Harry landed on the ground not even 5 seconds later.

He ( carefully ) looks over the branch and it's a painful thing to even just watch. Harry lays on the ground, blood running down this abdomen and even his groans sounds full of pain.

When they're rushing to the hospital only 30 minutes later ( record time ) Louis looks over at Harry.

" So, I lied. I've never actually hiked in my life. "

Harry glares at him, " Yeah, I kind of figured that one out."

~  
Dr. Payne stares at them.

Nurse Horan laughs. Loudly.

When the laughing dies down Dr. Payne clears his throat, " So you were trying to have sex, in a three?"

Harry blushes, " Yeah."

Dr. Payne nods with wide eyes, " Okay, I'll...I'll check the damage now."

Louis nods shyly. Nurse Horan giggles. Harry blushes and Dr. Payne...looks how Louis feels. Awkward.

What seems like hours ( it was only 20 minutes ) later, Dr. Payne speaks to them, " Okay, so. You're actually very lucky it's not more serious. You'll only need about 20 stitches for the cut an luckily 2 of your ribs are only bruised."

It's still pretty bad and Louis feels like shit. When Harry gets the stitches, Louis sits by him and repeats how sorry he is.

Harry's not glaring anymore. He's smiling a cute smile and yeah, okay. Louis doesn't feel that shit anymore.

When Dr. Payne gives them a date when to be back next and wraps a bandage around Harry's ribs he leaves them but not without, " Oh and Harry and Louis? No sex for the next few weeks."

The look on Harry's face is ridiculous.

He recovers quickly though, " Well. I guess we'll just have to wait a few weeks then. "

Louis grins, " I guess so."

" Oh, what will we do for the next for weeks though? It's not like I can take you on dates and call you my boyfriend." Harry sighs dramatically.

Louis shrugs, " You can. Only if you forgive me though."

" You're forgiven. Besides, " Harry's eyes meets his, " Lying to impress me was actually pretty funny. Even if I did end up here."

" Shut up!" Louis yells and quickly moves to Harry to kiss him.

But

" Ow, ow. My ribs!" Harry winces

And yeah, this will probably be the next few weeks.

Louis' okay with that.

**Author's Note:**

> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/Babietae)


End file.
